FL Day 4 - Surly Writers, Stone Crabs, and the Southernmost Point of the United States
Today was a big day for my dad and me, as both of us put in over 4 hours of driving to fulfill a very silly goal of mine: To have gone to the furthest point South in the continental US. To fuel up for this big trip, we stopped at Parrot Coffee in Hollywood. It's a nice little deli, and the food looked really good, but we weren't in the mood for a big breakfast so we just got bagels and I got a coffee. It was all great though.
And with that we set our sights due south for Key West. Because it was a long long drive, we didn't make many stops but when we saw this giant lobster on the side of the road we had to make an exception. Her name is Big Betsy, and she stands guard outside the Rain Barrel Artisan's Village, a cool little shop for handmade arts and crafts. I think she was as impressive as she was vaguely horrifying.
Another lucky happenstance from stopping to see Betsy was that there was a Key Lime Pie Shack out back attached to the Artisan's shop. My dad had never had a chocolate dipped frozen Key Lime Pie before. I got to experience this particular treat at Steve's Authentic Key Lime Pies in Brooklyn, so I insisted that we partake in this noble tradition. While Steve's in Brooklyn was pretty great, there was definitely something special about having a frozen key lime pie on a hot day in the actual Keys. It really hit the spot.
After another three hours of driving on a two lane highway between different islands, which was beyond surreal, we reached the very last mile of Rt. 1 and the southernmost point of the continental US. Over three months ago, I went to the very first mile of RT 1 in Maine, so it felt like a really cool accomplishment to have driven the entire length of the country in at least one direction and it gave me hope for getting to do the same thing east to west. Beyond the arbitrary sense of completeness, Key West also happened to be one of the most beautiful places I've been so far so I think it would have been worth the drive no matter what.
The other major stop in Key West for both me was Ernest Hemingway's house. I think his novels are a tad overrated and he was definitely a misogynist and a bit of an all around prick, but he was also very possibly the greatest short story writer of all time (certainly a contender). He was also such a larger than life character and world traveler, that I had a hunch his house would be filled with cool artifacts and great stories.
I was not disappointed on either account. The house was filled with paintings, hunting photos, and artifacts from all of Big Ern's globetrotting, as well as first and rare editions of his books. And cats, lots of cats. Hemingway had been given a six-toed cat by a ship's captain (because that happens all the time), and now the house has become the home to approximately 40-50 six-toed cats some of whom are descendants of the original. I was never a big cat guy, but it was pretty fun seeing all of them wandering around the place. Hemingway's thoughts on the matter were that “A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.”
Some big highlights from the house for me were the study where he wrote 70% of his life's works, working from first light to noon nonstop; a German language Scrooge McDuck cartoon hanging up in the kitchen with no real explanation; a statue of a cat that used to belong to Pablo Picasso but Hemingway liked it so much that he traded Picasso a bag full of hand grenades for it (Why Picasso wanted a bag of hand grenades was never fully explained; and the wedding chapel in the yard which is a apparently a very popular marriage destination despite Hemingway being notoriously terrible at being married.
One of my favorite stories that I overheard from a tour group was about the pool at the house. It is located on what used to be the site of Hemingway's personal boxing ring. He had promised a pool to his wife Pauline, but dragged his heels due to the expense. While he was away writing about the Spanish Civil War, she took matters into her own hand. The town of Key West denied her request to blow up his boxing ring with dynamite (what is it with these Hemingways and explosives?), so she paid a crew to dig it out. When Hemingway got home and saw the new expensive pool where his ring used to be, he was pissed off and threw a penny down from his patio bellowing, "Pauline, you've spent all but my last penny, so you might as well have that!" Pauline, proving herself every ounce Ernest's equal, had the penny removed from the pool and embedded in a flagstone so she could brag later on after winning the pool in their inevitable divorce that while his other wives may have gotten a lot, she was the only thought got every last cent.
And lastly, it was pretty nice for me to get a picture of Papa and Papa.
After all that driving and sight-seeing, we were about ready for lunch and wanted to get some good Keys seafood. While we were walking to lunch though, we walked by a business offering something I've never seen before. You give them a photo and they'll 3D print figurines of you and your family. If that doesn't sound like a recipe for a science fiction nightmare I don't know what does.
So creepy
We were feeling crab for lunch, so we stopped at a local chain called Pinchers because they were offering Florida Stone Crab Claws while seasonal supplies last. The stone crab has a pretty small body so it's not eaten for it's legs as much as some crabs are, but its claws have evolved to be able to crush oyster shells so they pack a ton of meat. We spit a large platter of claws which came with two sides. We got mashed potatoes and garlic bread, which don't really go with crab claws but I was tired and impulsive and for some reason my dad listened to me. While none of it went together, on its own everything was delicious, and the claws themselves really stood out as something special, because neither of us have encountered this particular crab in our combined 90 years of devouring crustaceans. We were also there during happy hour so pints were half off. I had done the driving up route one so I had one for each of us so Dad could stay alert and focused. Our bartender was also super friendly, and we had a good time joking around with her and hearing her story about how she ended up down in Key West to take care of her mom and then just sort of loved it.
Before heading back to the mainland, we stopped at one last cool site: The Truman Annex. Truman loved Key West so much, he not only vacationed there, but he annexed a chunk of the island to build a naval base and an office there so he could spend time there on official business as well as for pleasure. Truman's "Little White House" is also notable as being the place where the Department of Defense was officially created, and being the same building that Thomas Edison lived in while he was helping military efforts during WWI. I used my Cuban cigar from the day before, very much unsmoked, to do my best Harry Truman impression on the lawn. I don't think it would be an impression I'd include in my act though.
I knew I was gonna fall asleep on the ride back up Route 1 either way, but due to the one crippling chemical dependency I've developed on the road, we also stopped for coffee before we left. We stopped at a place called Cuban Coffee Queen, and I got an iced Cuban cafe con leche which was absolutely delicious. And then I promptly passed out for about two hours while my dad drove.
We traded shifts after we got out of the Keys, and drove up to Holloway's Irish Pub where I thought there'd be an open mic. Apparently though they had just recently parted ways with the group that had been hosting the mic there because according to the bartender some of the material was getting too political and/or crass and it wasn't going over well with their actual bar patrons. Bad luck, but I guess that's also on me for not calling ahead. We probably wouldn't have been able to make any other mics that were happening that night anyway though because of our drive, and I wouldn't have traded seeing Key West with my dad for one show. We figured since we were in the pub anyway, we might as well get pints and shepherd's pies. I got a normal shepherd's pie and my dad got one with chicken and white gravy in the spirit of adventurousness but I think he regretted his choice because mine did objectively have the better gravy. It was tough for any meal to follow those crab craws though. I was actually probably most pleasantly surprised by was the pint of local Broski Ciderwork's Ginger Cider. Hard Cider can be really hit or miss for me because it can frequently feel a little too sugary but the bittering from the ginger cut back on that a little bit and it was just a really good tasting well balanced cider.
From there we made one last long drive, past the everglades to Fort Myers so that could position ourselves more strategically for sight seeing on the West Coast of the Peninsula. At our Air BnB, I also discovered that all of Jerry Seinfeld' Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee was added to Netflix so I was able to binge that while working on this here blog and still get my comedy fix for the day.
Favorite Random Sightings: Ronald Reagan Turnpike (makes sense that you'd pay to get on that road); College Hunks Moving Company; Dandee Donuts; A big sign for snorkelingisfun.com (methinks thou doth protest too much); Marathon Baptist; Bucktooth Rooster; Mangrove Mama
Regional Observations: Florida is probably the flattest state I have encountered so far. Ohio was pretty close, but I've gotten used to curvy mountain roads, and it feels weird not having them.
Albums Listened To: The Move by the Brooklyn Attractors; Mr. Hood by KMD (the first album to feature young Zev Love X still about a decade away from his transformation into MF DOOM. This album and the earlier Doom album from yesterday made my dad realize that he might actually like some hip hop); Mr. Tambourine Man by the Byrds (I've recently wondered how good a song the titular man can really play with just a tambourine); Mr. Twist by Let's Go Bowling (some inoffensive fun ska, but nothing revolutionary); Mule Variations by Tom Waits (one of my all time favorites); Multi Kontra Culti Vs. Irony by Gogol Bordello; The Muppet Movie Original Soundtrack Recording by Various Artists (a sharp swerve from gypsy punk but an absolute classic); The Muppets (2011) Soundtrack by Various Artists; Muppets: The Green Album by Various Artists (early 2000s pop bands playing Muppet songs. Is it obvious that I really like the Muppets?); Music From Big Pink by the Band (another all time Favorite); Music to Bowl By by Let's Go Bowling; Must I Paint You A Picture: The Essential Billy Bragg by Billy Bragg; Muswell Hillbillies by the Kinks (a third all time favorite); My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy by Kanye West (just Monster because Nicki crushes that verse, shockingly my dad wasn't a big fan); My Head is an Animal by Of Monsters and Men (My dad also really didn't care for this one)
People's Favorite Jokes:
What's at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck (I have completely lost my tally but I believe this one is really up there for America's favorite joke)
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Never Lands
(our bartender presented this initially as a real story) I was back home up North and I was driving and I saw this guy on the side of the road holding a box. He looked so worn out and tired, I offered to give him a ride. He said, "thank you" can got in the car, holding really closely to his box. I asked him what he had in the box, and he said "None of your fucking business". I laughed thinking it was a joke, and said "Okay, but really, what's in the box?" "None of your fucking business," he said again, and I realized he was very serious. I started to get kinda creeped out by this guy, so I said "Oh shoot, I think I just damaged my tire going over that pothole. Would you mind having a looK?" He looked annoyed, but I pulled over and he got out. As soon as he was out of the car, I drove away as fast as I could. I didn't even realize until I got home, that he left his box in the car so I finally got to see what was inside. *Here right on cue, my dad and I both ask: "So what was in it?" like a couple of suckers and she just smiles and says: None of your fucking business
And here's one from Ricky Gervais' episode of Comedians in cars that killed Seinfeld and me: "When Hitler knew the allies were coming, he got married to Eva Braun in their little bunker. After the ceremony they retired to their bedroom, and had a drink. She didn't know he had poisoned the drink and after she died, he shot himself. He left some instructions for the gardenr to take their bodies out and burn them the next morning. Say what you will about Hitler, but that is a shit honeymoon"
Songs of the Day: I'm going way over board but we did listen to 8+ hours of music
A cool video for a powerful song, "The world is not my home I'm just a-passing through"
The original UK cut of this classic scene because Some of the lyrics were considered a little too innuendo laden for US audiences. Muppets uncensored!
Pure camp showmanship, it's nice to see Ray enjoying himself
